So where does the story of the newest Halo game begin? We begin as Master Chief (now a meteor--surprisingly difficult to navigate with) crashes down on a planet that is probably earth, or possible California. Once Meteor-Chief reverts to his original form (some purple chick I think) the game begins, immediately thrusting you into walking around a space station of some sort for several minutes, and looking at a bunch of red lights. I don't know what this has to do with Halos or anything, but there are certainly more than a few lights to look at.
After a bunch of pointless bullshit involving giant talking flowers and some sort of "prophet", Master Chieftain is taken to the titular Halo, one of several, being the cheerios in the giant bowl of milk that is the universe. Turns out God (Clapton?) is very hungry and wants to eat all of them, which the Prophets refer to as some sort of great journey, which I believe involves driving a shitty car into walls for five minutes, while a bunch of purple guys shoot blue things at you.
After successfully exploding the "Halo" and rescuing one of them negros from a giant crab robot, The Chief goes back to Earf and welcomes some aliens to it. With a punch in the fuckin' face, bitches. So it turns out that Master is pretty badass, and punches a lot of purple guys and gorillas in the neck, all while saving the wonderful fauna and flora of the planet. I'm assuming Master John's green armor is some sort of environmentalist reference, and the theme of saving earth from something called a "Covenant" is about global warming. Because really, Johnny Chief could probably punch global warming so fucking hard that it would knock it through the space-time continuum back into the ice-age thus melting the ice and bringing about the end of said age so the planet can grow and evolve prosperously until this whacky time paradox comes up again and Master Chief drinks global God damn warming like a fucking beer.
The only part I didn't quite understand about Halo's gameplay was the lack of an onscreen character model. Rather than seeing The Chief you play as a floating gun. It's probably some artsy choice or some kind of epic metaphor for why guns are bad and shit but who knows anymore.
Not me.
The game comes to an end in a fun but slightly mystifying way, pitting you against the Halos themselves in a Mario Kartesque racing game.
And while the ending is quite strange, the music of the game is certainly very Clapton. There's a lot of cool orchestral and rock stuff, and being that it sounds good that usually means it was done by Eric "Messiah" Clapton. The sounds kick in at the right times, and sometimes your gun shoots guitar riffs which is crazy fun times.
All in all, Halo 3 is a lengthy and strange trip through the minds of cloth-covered rubber cord enthusiasts and is sure to sell like five million fuckin' thousand copies and all that cool shit, most likely so these developers can buy more of their fabled cords. I can't completely recommend the game, though, due to a few nasty faults in the game design. The first, and probably biggest, problem comes in the fact that you can only carry two weapons at a time. What the fuck is up with that? Most times I've ever played a game I could carry like twenty weapons and shit so I don't know what they were thinking with that one. This leads to another problem, which is that sometimes the weapons you have run out of ammo-unition and there isn't always some lying around on the ground (also why do my feet reload my weapons?). There are, of course, like a fuckin' hundred guns and shit laying all over the ground like a nine-year-olds room and it would REALLY improve the game if I could actually pick all these guns up but no there's just a bunch of words and symbols that keep appearing on the screen and nobody knows what the fuck.
Anyways, Halo 3 is good but could be improved so I'll be giving it...
Four out of Six Space Cheerios
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